Jokes?

My turtle’s not doing well. He’s a shell of who he used to be.

Whose the guy who makes all the awnings in NYC? He must be making it rain.

Chemists are working on a perfume that you’ll be able to smell from space. It’s called Elon’s Musk.

I took a selfie with God the other day. He likes a low angle.

Social media is really ruining this generation. Even my shadow stopped following me.

Have you heard of this new dating app for BBQ enthusiasts? It’s called Red Meet.

I got fired from a job where I modelled inflammable shirts. I wasn’t hot enough. 

I threw out my back last week. My anus finally has some room to breathe now.

My dad’s the worst at restaurants, Satan-level bad. Server’s are like, “if he’s here, who's running yelp?”

My friend thinks only kittens are cute, not cats. What a purrdofile.

When did everyone start referring to cooking as meal prep? What is sleeping, awake prep?

I’m learning how to play guitar on YouTube. I have 3 million subscribers and a book deal.

Everyone really only cares about the Nobel Peace Prize. Peace, a far more attainable thing than, say, Chemistry or Literature. 

Is it really necessary to still have courtroom sketch artists? It feels like the governments fun little art project.

Creative Directors, the new CD?

I'm opening a BDSM Retreat. It's called Resort to Violence. The safety word is "Last Resort".