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  • My turtle’s not doing well. He’s a shell of who he used to be.

  • Whose the guy who makes all the awnings in NYC? He must be making it rain.

  • Chemists are working on a perfume that you’ll be able to smell from space. It’s called Elon’s Musk.

  • I took a selfie with God the other day. He likes a low angle.

  • Social media is really ruining this generation. Even my shadow stopped following me.

  • Have you heard of this new dating app for BBQ enthusiasts? It’s called Red Meet.

  • I got fired from a job where I modelled inflammable shirts. I wasn’t hot enough. 

  • I threw out my back last week. My anus finally has some room to breathe now.

  • My dad’s the worst at restaurants, Satan-level bad. Server’s are like, “if he’s here, who's running yelp?”

  • My friend thinks only kittens are cute, not cats. What a purrdofile.

  • When did everyone start referring to cooking as meal prep? What is sleeping, awake prep?

  • I’m learning how to play guitar on YouTube. I have 3 million subscribers and a book deal.

  • Everyone really only cares about the Nobel Peace Prize. Peace, a far more attainable thing than, say, Chemistry or Literature. 

  • Is it really necessary to still have courtroom sketch artists? It feels like the governments fun little art project.

  • Creative Directors, the new CD?

  • I'm opening a BDSM Retreat. It's called Resort to Violence. The safety word is "Last Resort".

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