Jokes?
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My turtle’s not doing well. He’s a shell of who he used to be.
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Whose the guy who makes all the awnings in NYC? He must be making it rain.
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Chemists are working on a perfume that you’ll be able to smell from space. It’s called Elon’s Musk.
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I took a selfie with God the other day. He likes a low angle.
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Social media is really ruining this generation. Even my shadow stopped following me.
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Have you heard of this new dating app for BBQ enthusiasts? It’s called Red Meet.
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I got fired from a job where I modelled inflammable shirts. I wasn’t hot enough.
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I threw out my back last week. My anus finally has some room to breathe now.
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My dad’s the worst at restaurants, Satan-level bad. Server’s are like, “if he’s here, who's running yelp?”
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My friend thinks only kittens are cute, not cats. What a purrdofile.
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When did everyone start referring to cooking as meal prep? What is sleeping, awake prep?
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I’m learning how to play guitar on YouTube. I have 3 million subscribers and a book deal.
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Everyone really only cares about the Nobel Peace Prize. Peace, a far more attainable thing than, say, Chemistry or Literature.
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Is it really necessary to still have courtroom sketch artists? It feels like the governments fun little art project.
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Creative Directors, the new CD?
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I'm opening a BDSM Retreat. It's called Resort to Violence. The safety word is "Last Resort".