Jokes?
To be laughed at, groaned at, liked, and disliked. 

My turtle’s not doing well. He’s a shell of who he used to be.

Who’s the guy who makes all the awnings in NYC? He must be making it rain.

I took a selfie with God the other day. He likes a low angle.

I threw out my back last week. My anus finally has some room to breathe now.

Why do recipes call for certain ingredients? Like, just text me, dude. 

I got fired from a job where I modelled inflammable shirts. I wasn’t hot enough. 

I’m learning how to play guitar on YouTube. I have 3 million subscribers and a book deal.

Sweden is supposed to be neutral but do you have any idea how many divorces IKEA has caused?

My friend thinks only kittens are cute, not cats. What a purrdofile.

A lot of people are angry at McDonalds for causing their health issues, but I forgive them. I’m very Mcnanimous.

It’s not easy being tall. It’s like, I’d like to be the Emperor of France one day.

Ever google Neil Young young? He's always looked like that. 

Is it really necessary to still have courtroom sketch artists? It feels like the government’s fun little art project.

Red Meet. A dating app for alt-right BBQ-lovers. 

Guynocology. An area of medicine that treats alt-right BBQ-lovers. 

When I was a boy the nicest man offered me candy and a ride home in his van. I was touched.

I don’t think people should replay their childhood abuse over and over. Just give me the greatest hits.

The person who coined the term Caucasian was a white man named Carleton Coon. It feels wrong, doesn’t it? 

My girlfriend told me I’m delusional, but she's just some blow-up doll. 

Why are these hurricanes the only natural disasters that get names? Tornadoes are having an identity crisis.

I'm opening a BDSM Retreat. It's called Resort to Violence. The safety word is "Last Resort".

Are there toilets in heaven? Asking for a friend. 

Everyone really only cares about the Nobel Peace Prize. Peace, a far more attainable thing than, say, Chemistry or Literature. 

My dad’s the worst at restaurants, Satan-level bad. Server’s are like, “if he’s here, who's running yelp?”

Meet Jen Z., a social media marketer who speaks and acts like a 50s-era ad exec.