top of page

To be laughed at, groaned at, liked, and disliked. 

  • My turtle’s not doing well. He’s a shell of who he used to be.

  • Who’s the guy who makes all the awnings in NYC? He must be making it rain.

  • I took a selfie with God the other day. He likes a low angle.

  • I threw out my back last week. My anus finally has some room to breathe now.

  • Why do recipes call for certain ingredients? Like, just text me, dude. 

  • I got fired from a job where I modelled inflammable shirts. I wasn’t hot enough. 

  • I’m learning how to play guitar on YouTube. I have 3 million subscribers and a book deal.

  • Sweden is supposed to be neutral but do you have any idea how many divorces IKEA has caused?

  • My friend thinks only kittens are cute, not cats. What a purrdofile.

  • A lot of people are angry at McDonalds for causing their health issues, but I forgive them. I’m very Mcnanimous.

  • It’s not easy being tall. It’s like, I’d like to be the Emperor of France one day.

  • Ever google Neil Young young? He's always looked like that. 

  • Is it really necessary to still have courtroom sketch artists? It feels like the government’s fun little art project.

  • Red Meet. A dating app for alt-right BBQ-lovers. 

  • Guynocology. An area of medicine that treats alt-right BBQ-lovers. 

  • When I was a boy the nicest man offered me candy and a ride home in his van. I was touched.

  • I don’t think people should replay their childhood abuse over and over. Just give me the greatest hits.

  • The person who coined the term Caucasian was a white man named Carleton Coon. It feels wrong, doesn’t it? 

  • My girlfriend told me I’m delusional, but she's just some blow-up doll. 

  • Why are these hurricanes the only natural disasters that get names? Tornadoes are having an identity crisis.

  • I'm opening a BDSM Retreat. It's called Resort to Violence. The safety word is "Last Resort".

  • Are there toilets in heaven? Asking for a friend. 

  • Everyone really only cares about the Nobel Peace Prize. Peace, a far more attainable thing than, say, Chemistry or Literature. 

  • My dad’s the worst at restaurants, Satan-level bad. Server’s are like, “if he’s here, who's running yelp?”

  • Meet Jen Z., a social media marketer who speaks and acts like a 50s-era ad exec. 

bottom of page